Being winter and all I felt it was only appropriate to share with you my rocky relationship with snow and skiing. It probably wouldn't suprise most to know that I was never really introduced to the icy horror that is skiing until I was in college. In fact a snow sighting in Mississippi was about as rare and fairy taled as a Bigfoot sighting, which in our area was much more likely to happen. Regardless, my experience with skiing was nonexistent and combined with my natural clumsiness created the perfect circumstance for physical comedy at its best.
Begrudgingly during a spring break I joined some friends in Park City, UT for a skiing trip. Wasn't my idea but I was very anxious to give skiing a try after hearing about the wonder and bewilderment that people experienced on the slopes. It seemed like every person I talked to was convinced at how easy skiing was and there were never any warning signs. They would tell tales of how they braved the bunny slopes on day one and then by the end of day 2 had mastered the same tracks that professionals trained on in preparation for the winter olympics. Looking back I really wished that there would have been some warning sign. I would have taken any dissenting opinion, from a kind person telling me that I was an idiot for trying to take a skiing trip to the travel agent happily giving me and my friends our vacation packages and then when everyone's back was turned she would stare directly into my eyes and shake her head in warning.
Long story short as soon as we arrived in Park City we immediately rented our skis and hit the slopes. While most of our group went about their own way one of my friends decided that he would stay behind and give me a crash course (no pun intended) in skiing. He did this for two reasons: One-he was a very nice guy: Two I had made it known to everyone that I believed all that you had to do in order to be succesful in skiing was to point your skis directly downhill and manage to keep your balance throughout your journey from the top of the hill to the bottom. As a result of me verbalizing this stupidity my friend believed, for good reason, that I was a danger to myself and others.
Now instead of taking an "Intro to skiing" class from a certified instructor, my friend had it in his head that he knew as much as any professionally certified teacher ever would because he had been skiing more than twice in his life. Now because he had survived his skiing experiences without breaking a limb or running into a tree I believed him. "What's the worst that could happen?" I thought to myself as I slid from my seat on the lift and collapsed immediately upon setting my skis on the ground.
Having collapsed directly under my lift chair I had in turn prompted the lift operator to stop the entire line of carts below me, fearing that I would be trampled by the onslaught of eager skiers ascending to the top of the slope. This consequently led to a chorus of jeers and boos being directed right at me as I struggled to pull myself up and regain my balance. Realizing the need to get my "youknowwhat" out of the way, I decided that the best way for me to do so was to do nothing at all. I stood as still and motionless as I possibly could and whispered to my friend directly beside me.
"Push me,"
I leaned forward like a downhill olympian and braced for the soft push that would gently propel me forward and out of the path of ski lift currently being held in limbo. I'm not entirely sure if my friend believed that my request was an invitation to enact vengeance for something that I had done in years past or he thought to myself "why stop at just getting out of the way of the ski lift?" Whatever my expectation was, what transpired was a violent shove that pretty much turned me into a projectile aimed towards a large group of women and children. After tearing through the terrified crowd and leaving no bodies in my wake I ended up on my back again.
"At least I cleared the lift," I thought to myself as I reached out for a small metal pole to pull myself up on. Attempting to pull myself up I immediately felt the pole collapse under my weight and suddenly realized that it was not entirely intended for what I was using it for. What I had unintentionally pushed down on was the emergency stop lever to the ski lift.
Cue the boos and jeers.
